| love love |
[Mar. 24th, 2006|03:19 pm] |
i got new boarding shoes today and a new toothbrush
i'm not sure which i'm more excited about. god, i love brushing my teeth
all i need now is a new purse heheh
so what i really wanted to ask is this:
WHY are /people/ in love with the IDEA of being in love?? i truly do NOT understand that
and those /people/ scare me |
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| ... |
[Mar. 23rd, 2006|06:52 pm] |
the sky hangs heavy tonight
but no more so than the conversation we won't have
we lie down one more time
side by side
letting the grass run through our fingers
sending familiar chills through our arms
trying desperately to feel
plagued by death
and plagued by life
we drift our separate ways
i fill your lungs with dreams
you promise to not exhale
quiet is nearing
it humbles us with truth
and swallows time with grace |
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| a dream |
[Mar. 15th, 2006|12:47 pm] |
didn't feel like posting this in myspace b/c only a few people know of my LJ and i like it that way.
i almost never remember my dreams, but when i do they're fairly strange
people in my dreams always change. like they keep the same appearance, but they're really someone else? and sometimes i'm different too, but i know its me
anyway, i was at some sort of a mall and an older man was staring at me all too much. he was creepy and as i was walking to the washroom he asked if id sit to have a bite with him. i gave a smile and said no thank you and proceeded to the washroom that turned out to be huge and more like a locker room. i was the only person in there of course and when i went in there i had 3 shards of a broken mirror that i was holding in my hand. i was trying to piece them together...it made the shape of my heart. it was my heart. someone came in and it was the old man. i knew it. i could see him through an opening of a door that hadn't shut completely. he was waiting for me. i planned to not act completely freaked out and just casually walk out, but with speed. out of no where there was another man, but i knew that he was good. i made it clear i was in danger and pretty much hid behind this 'good' man though he was confused. the old man approached us slowly and stabbed the man standing infront of me. i cant remember what happened after that. but i know the old mans intentions were to rape and kill me. there was a lot more to this dream...where people transformed and such. i can't even begin to really explain any of my dreams as is. none of them are really clear or simple and they either feel too real like i was there or they are so fucking out of this world, but yet feel like they took place in a state of mind or otherwise that does exist
dreams are trippy |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 8th, 2005|09:40 pm] |
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Things are so different! I went back to work and holy hell everything has changed. The managers, the food, the outfits (NO FUCKING HAWAIIN SHIRTS!) the servers, the hosts and everyone and their cousin has a new g/f or b/f. It's still home though and my friends are still there so it's all good. I'm going to L.A. the end of the month. I'm SO excited you have no idea. I'm going to see Kyle, her and Tiffany! A lot of my friends seem to be gorgeous I realized. It's sickening. Strange thing is Tiffany is originally from MN and we know some of the same people and we're both going to be in MN all of Oct so we're hanging out. She seems really cool. Anyway, I've been making some more friends and just talking to Kyle a lot. Nothing else is really new. I'm in town this weekend, but I'm already busy. I have a shower, bachelorette party and quality Alicia E. time, family time annnd possibly Lauren time IF it pours like a mofo and she doesn't go CAMPING. hahaha. love you guys. ill be back in Chi on sun night. ciao |
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| Bleh |
[Sep. 3rd, 2005|03:43 am] |
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Everything is going really well. It's amazing how life can surprise you. I'm almost never surprised by anything, but things as of late in my life are definitely crazy (in a good way) but things I had only imagined. I've made a few new friends from L.A. and Hollywood so that's been interesting. I love making new friends. Kyle and I have been talking for a while now. I talk to Kyle more than I talk to her though. is there something wrong with this pic? I went to the Dr. today and also to work. Bad new from the doc. I'm still sick and can't return to work until Tues! I'm not too happy about that, but I suppose I'm not exactly healthy yet. I've been pretty anti-social since I came back, but I'm sure that will change when I feel better. I went to see Britt @ FUCK today and it was nice seeing her. I'm laying low tonight. I watched The Notebook, took a nap and have been talking with Kyle and am waiting for her to call or whatever. Who knows what tomorrow brings. I was thinking of going out to L.A. randomly for Kyle's HUGE party and to see her and friends. I doubt I go just b/c I don't know how much fun I'll be while I'm still sick and I just got back home. Hope everything is going well for everyone else |
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| Listen Here |
[Sep. 1st, 2005|05:22 pm] |
www.redcross.org
donate $5 or whatever. that's all i ask. ummmm, my "vacation" went well. it was so nice being at the hometown. its a little strange being home though now. im really tired. im only here for a week though. i just want to work so i can have some money and then i fly to mpls for my cousins shower and bachelorette party then im coming back home so i can work a couple weeks before trying to fly down south with my mom to help the victims of the hurricane...then i fly back up for the wedding, katrinas 21st and to have my tonsils out and THEN i fly out L.A. hehe and then home for the holdiays. i rock. im really just looking forward to new orleans and L.A. ugh, im like dying to go to L.A. to see some amazing people so i need to go grocery shopping and do laundry. dammit. wheres a lesbian when i need one. |
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| In A Nutshell... |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|11:59 pm] |
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Everything is going rather well. I'm still pretty sick though which SUCKS. I got my passport pic taken (FINALLY) 90s was interesting. I ran into an old fling and that was really strange. I also ran into a few old friends I hadn't seen in a long time so that was really nice at least. I hung out with Lauren the other night and that was a pleasure as usual. I went to the dr, ran errands with my mom today and then hung out with Alicia. I get my tonsils taken out Oct. 9th and I'm not looking forward to it. I'll be home for THREE god damn weeks!! Ugh. Anyway, Alicia and I watched Wicker Park and I must say that was a little strange, but I really liked it!! OMG, I bought a lot of makeup/hair products today and I realized that FORD pays for it all. YESSSSS! This is a great thing b/c I definitely have "expensive" taste at times. I've discovered that I love Samy and I've fallen in love with this wax spray by TIGI BedHead. It's AMAZING! I also bought the 2nd season of The O.C annnnd my friends show, Laguna Beach. Why? B/c it's wonderful, MINDLESS t.v watching lol. I'm going to L.A. soon after I get my tonsils out. I'm sooooo freaking excited!! I got a cute new digi cam and it's on a keychain lol. It's so tiny. I sound like an OC girl right about now. I'll excuse myself now. I miss her. Life's good. The end. |
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| . |
[Aug. 27th, 2005|04:15 am] |
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love isn't safe. but if you always play it safe where does that leave room to really live? without taking a chance you have nothing to gain nor lose. change is the one thing in life you can count on to be consistent. things in life including people and feelings are temporary until proven otherwise. when you embrace this realization only then can you love and live life whole heartedly. love purely and unselfishly knowing that anything is possible and you could lose that very person you give your all to, but lose them knowing you loved them with everything you could. what comfort lies in promises? forever and never cannot be measured by time, but only felt. no one is safe. find comfort in that. find comfort in now so you make the most of what you have when you have it. living by and for the moment isn't so crazy. it's all we really have. the only thing that will ever be telling is time. the world awaits. life is good. |
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| wow |
[Aug. 25th, 2005|09:33 pm] |
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i just got back from my camping trip in wisconsin and holy hell. there just arent words. i havent showered since tues morning. i went 2 days without my cell. ive never been more dirty in my life and i cant remember the last time ive been in so much pain. it was exhausting and disgusting, but extremely fun and gorgeous!! i'm so glad that i went even though i was sick as hell and it kicked my ass. onto the surprise. i'm going HOME TOMORROW!!! Yes, i'm flying to MN tomorrow and I'll get in around 4 in the afternoon. I'm staying until THURSDAY!!! I'll be there for a good 6 days. I can't do anything Thurs b/c i leave right away, but i'm still there for quite some time. dont ask. my tonsils are coming out in the near future, i had strep so i had to miss work b/c theyre stupid. the point is that i cant believe im coming home and im so excited!!! i cant wait to see alicia, lauren, katrina, jesse, katie mae, heather etc! yesssss. okay, i need to f*cking shower like its my job and do laundry so i can pack for tomorrow. i have so much more to say, but for now i need to go. i love alicia and lauren. i have bruises right below my ass (no, really i do) from sitting on that f*cking canoe for so long!! and weird bites that are from god only knows what! im hyper...or have cabin fever? |
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| Wisconsin?!?! |
[Aug. 23rd, 2005|01:26 am] |
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I'm afraid to even write this entry, but oh well! Life fucking rocks right now. No, I didn't become content over a day or even close but things are going really well and I'm definitely happy and extremely busy as usual. Mmm aside from the fact i'm sick as all get out with my chronic strep...everything is beautiful. i'm really stupid considering how sick i am (i go to the dr tomorrow though) but i'm going CAMPING. yes, IM camping in a TENT in the middle of NO WHERE, WISCONSIN. I'm also canoeing on a river most the trip and then of course drinking and having a blast at the bonfire with 7 of my friends. i leave tomorrow and come back thurs! britt and i are friends now and i think with time we'll be really good friends! I'm talking to a few people, but i dont plan on starting a relationship with any of them anytime soon. I'm talking with 2 girls and a guy...yes, a guy. save your comments. i had an amazing conversation with alicia today and i went out tonight with Lauren. i went on the john hancock tour and was a million stories high in this building looking over like 3 different states. the view was fucking gorgeous. i loved it. im going to miss lauren sooo much, but we're staying in touch and im visiting her in Ireland. the other lauren i miss a lot too, but i think she'll be back from BFE soon. ill write more when i get back from wisconsin! wish me luck. my cell will be with me tomorrow and most of wed if im lucky. i dare you to call or text haha. ciaoz. |
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| I'm Tired and Have Strep. The End |
[Aug. 22nd, 2005|02:18 am] |
"Best Of You"
I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...
Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh... |
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| Meh |
[Aug. 20th, 2005|05:23 am] |
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So today was another non-productive day. I finished watching the first season of the o.c. haha and talked with alicia a lot. i didnt plan on going out tonight, but last minute Yoli text me to come out so i rolled out of bed and ended up going to Spin, Hydrate, Circuit and Melrose. I just got in and once again it's almost 6am. i'm tired and of course i was outside when it poured like no tomorrow. it was raining so damn much i couldnt see a damn thing. brrrrr its cold! im tired now and really full. blah. and of course i was reminded of Britt b/c of Melrose since that was one of the first places that we went to eat -sigh- yeah, anyway, Yoli sorta knows Kristin and this other girl I was with knows Cate. Fun stuff. at least we're all 'friends' now though. Spin and Hydrate were horrible tonight..infact all the clubs were horrible. I think right now the only club i sorta like is Funky Buddha. I might be going to Blu though tomorrow...we'll see how i feel. im tired now. goodnight! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2005|04:07 pm] |
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This is going to be a novel. I have so much running through my head. I think all this time off work and away from friends is getting to me. I miss Lauren like crazy. Last night all the memories came flooding to me. There was literally thousands and they never end. Time. It serves what purpose. In seeing and remembering all these images I was reminded that I'll never forget how I felt at the time. I remember how nervous I was picking her up at the airport and how uncomfortable Alicia felt and how I knew I should care and be so reassuring and I wasn't and didn't care so much. I remember the glasses, the white pants, the big red purse, the tiny teeth and the quiet chuckles out of awkwardness. I remember how she was so quiet, reserved and seemingly fragile. She'd always dress nice and we'd brush our teeth about 6 times a day and I usually still do. She'd always wear those red pjs from Victorias that would be falling off her. She'd always smell like Burberry. There were so many moments of awkwardness. She'd barely eat a thing and how she loved her grape juice...the red kind. And then there was the sushi. God, it wasn't as awful as i had imagined, but it was still gross. All the e-mails. Our entire friendship. It feels like it's been years. Remembering how it all came to be. We used to talk nearly all hours of the day and night. Jace. And then the truth coming out and us becoming the best of friends. She always came first. I always looked forward to hearing from my Jauren. And then I got engaged and things became even more difficult. I remember being in Moorhead, but we were still each others top priorities. I loved my best friend more than anything. Talking on the phone with her was so great. We'd talk about the most stupid, pointless, crazy things...to more important things that didn't seem as significant at the time but were. We used to cam whore it all the time. There was always this look about her and always will be. It's just Lauren. No one really knows what to make of it. It's just her. Her looks must be part of her charm. I remember the pain. The heartache. The longing. There was such a sadness. I remember holding each other. Just barely gracing each other with a gentle touch of the fingertips and it feeling so overwhelming and wanting so much more. I remember first holding hands. Cuddling. The kisses everywhere on the face, but on the lips that I don't think could have been felt more or meant more. I remember how hard it was hearing her say she couldn't look at me and knowing why. At one point we couldnt sit by each other. Our first kisses. The madness. Wanting to cry of happiness and of sadness for what was to come. We'd talk so often online and on the phone. i remember missing her so much and worrying about her. i remember how happy i would be to see her on and to talk with her. I remember her always working on her art work for school until the early hours. I remember how we'd count down the days until we would see each other again. sleeping with her and waking up next to her felt like home. i remember the presents she gave me. the card she wrote me. something about me was home to her. and that we had a bond like no other. i remember the things i got for her as well and how i felt when i was looking for these gifts for her...almost having put too much thought into such little things. the showers. the kisses. and i remember the fall. i remember that sinking feeling. i remember when time stood still and the world as i knew it came to a complete halt. i remember when everything became surreal. my life was being told to me. i remember the calmness to it all. i remember the tears. seeing her cry. the lies. after it all there were still lies to spare my feelings. i remember the anger towards my best friend. and i remember not being able to be angry b/c of loving her so much and b/c of that being so understanding. i remember the confusion. she'd already started to walk that plank and once you start you often feel like you cant turn back so you might as well jump and take the fall. for a while i remember feeling like i didnt recognize her. the priorities changed. people stopped hearing from her. i remember thinking to myself that she had taken on someone elses life. he saved her from her life...so now whose life is she really living? so many contraditions. but we'd all just rather not think about it. live carelessly. live any life, but the one that she was. somewhere in the midst of it all i lost my best friend. i miss that friendship more than anything. i just miss her in ways i cant explain. its not that i miss having her. i just miss us. and while i would cry myself to sleep filled with all these memories i ended up having several dreams...about britt. they were very distorted and hard to remember. they were so strange. part of me misses something about her. its not having someones company that i miss. i have that if i want it and ive learned that i certainly dont. its only been a week and wherever ive gone out at night people have been coming up to me and buying me drinks, talking with me and such. ive exchanged numbers, talked with people and such and everyone has been so nice and im just not interested in any of them. if anything being single and going out and running into all these people who are interested in going out on a date with me has turned me away from people in the meantime. ive been trying to make new friends and its just not good timing. i spent the entire day inside by myself yesterday and i might do it again tonight. ill probably force myself to go out, but i just know what awaits me out there and its not appealing. all the girls and guys might i add that i run into im very much not interested in. im not sure why, but im just not. though my relationship/friendship with britt was always so incredibly difficult, trying, stressful, dramatic...there was probably a reason for it all and somewhere in between all that there was an odd comfort, happiness and fun. hands down theres no one quite like the girl. she's one of a kind and at times was beyond me. its almost as if there were on and off switches to her. different personalities or something. different tones of voices, different attitudes, different facial expressions. her mannerisms, the pace in which she talked and you could always see it in her eyes. there would be so much attitude and such a mouth on her at times, but you would know by looking at her eyes that it was out of hurt. or her smirks. the quick, awkward and crooked smirk of hers when she was really sad. there are few times when you will see that girl smile when its real and she's truly happy. i remember that the few times i did see it was when we were first talking. her and i would talk at all hours of the night as well and we'd cam whore it. i remember first seeing her and how she was complaining about how she had bedhead and her fohawk was messed up when really she probably just fixed it right before getting on cam lol. and i remember she was wearing her red hoodie, and her hair looked amazing and she looked so small and innocent and she could just not stop smiling. she's so strange. young. difficult. full of surprises. she'd drive you crazy. its always a love/hate thing with her. like you just want to kill/kiss her. i miss her odd ways sometimes. there was always something more to her. she acted so strange for a reason. im not convinced thats really her. she knows what "normal" is. i think part of her knows what shes doing...she just doesnt always know why. and then theres alicia. yes, engbrecht though. im talking to her now. its so strange how things work out. she was my first girlfriend. the first person i was ever in love with and one of my first real best friends. we're becoming good friends again now. its so nice seeing her. we're actually talking now. i should probably go. it took me years to get over her just as im sure it will take me years to get over lauren, if not longer. ill write more later. i should go out tonight. hope everyone is doing well. ciao |
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| lkhfs74s |
[Aug. 19th, 2005|04:03 am] |
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Today was insane. I did NOTHING. I usually go out all night, but today I didn't even leave my apartment. I spent the entire day sleeping, watching the o.c. and talking with a few friends online here and there. it was a really strange day for me. i never have time to myself to do just nothing and i really didn't do anything today. i had some really disturbing/haunting feelings though from the past. it seems like its been so long and really it's just been a few months which is extremely scary to think about. i was thinking about the horror that took place a few months ago i.e. Laurens last visit to see me and I had totally forgot that hurt and it hit me again. it was entirely different this time in the sense that it was just sad and not nearly as painful, but it wasnt pleasant. it was so strange that those memories came flooding back. britt has also been incessantly popping in and out of my mind. i dont know why. mindless t.v. shows are really good for times like these ive decided. ugh, i really need to get a haircut today too. anyway, im off to bed. i have a really busy day tomorrow...not. |
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| Another Crazy Night... |
[Aug. 18th, 2005|06:15 am] |
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I just now got in from the beach and I'm pretty sure it's 6 something in the morning. I went to Spin tonight and was meeting up with my friend Yoli, Cate etc and ended up running into Julie and going with Jenna! We went to Belmont after and met a lot of new people who we ended up going to the beach with. Tonight was a pretty crazy and RANDOM. Cate went missing so we were looking for her for a little while, I met Vanessa tonight and now we're cool and probably are going to kick it sometime next week. It's strange. I also ran into Annabelle again. I'm seemingly ending up friends with old/current friends of Britts. Oh well, everyone is really cool now and no one cares about the old bs that's from the past. I'm just out to have a good time and to meet good people. i'm tired as hell now. i have the weekend off so i look forward to sleeping. im supposed to go drinking a lot tonight for Laurens b-day, but i dont know if i'll make it out. ive been going out too much lately. xx. goodnight |
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| Weeeee |
[Aug. 17th, 2005|03:58 am] |
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I had a GREAT time tonight. I went to Funky Buddha for the first time and ran into Annabelle, Cate etc and ended up having a great time. I met Tasha tonight along with Michelle and one other girl who I don't remember. I also ran into Julie who is friends with Cate so it was no surprise she was there. Things turned out really well. Cate and I actually hung out for a bit and ended up going to Four together. Cate is a really awesome person so far and we straightened our misunderstandings out. Hopefully Cate and I will be able to at least be friends. I'm glad that she knows it was never my intention to upset her anyway. Tonight was really intersting seeing how Cate is. She means well and is a most wonderful person, but I can see how now just isn't the time for her probably to be with anyone...she's doing her thing and having fun. Whatever. We're all having fun as we probably should be. I'm a bit tipsy still. I need to eat and pass the fuck out. Oh yeah, Katrina...hair piece=TINY white and black skirt. Remember? Yeah. I'm close to drunk and need to go. have a good one. i'll write more later when im sober perhaps. ciao |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2005|02:49 pm] |
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I'm leaving -sigh- I really miss being back home (Minnesota) I love Chicago and it's definitely my home for at least the next year, but something is very comforting and refreshing about being back in the Mpls suburbs. Things are so different and relaxing here. There's never enough time to really just relax though. I miss her a lot and it's so wonderful that we're finally able to be good friends again. I'm going to love her for a very, very long time and that's something I know I need to be really honest about from here on out with myself and others to avoid drama and such. I'm going to be single for a really long time mainly for that reason. I'm going to love her until god only knows. I'm happy though. I'm at a good place in life and I love that absolutely anything is possible for not only me, but anyone...who the fuck knows what tomorrows will bring. Comforting |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2005|02:48 pm] |
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I am on my way out as usual, but I just wanted to say that I'm having an incredible time here in Minneapolis!! It feels really good to be home visiting. I've really missed home and a lot of my friends! Jesse's show was really good and it has been wonderful seeing Lauren. I also went to Tropix w/her and Katrina and then we went out to eat. I'm going to do a lot of shopping today and I'm going out w/my family and Alicia tonight for dinner and then going out w/Lauren again I think and perhaps Tony and maybe a few other friends. The weekend is just really busy. I haven't slept much, but I'm just having a lot of fun and am coming home with a lot of new clothes which is always something to smile about lol. I've missed my mom a lot. They're coming down to visit soon. We're talking about me getting a new car to keep in MN. I'm upgrading a lot so that will be nice. I also got some new GLASSES guys lol. Oh man. I might actually wear these ones too...watch out. I'm going to look like a total nerd. Okay, time to go party. Love you all. Call me while I'm in town. I leave Mon around 4:30! ciao |
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| ... |
[Aug. 12th, 2005|01:39 am] |
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Three things: I'm singls as single. I'm going to be in town (Minneapolis) Fri-Mon. Life is great! Ciao. I can't wait to see some of you! Goodnight |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2005|07:23 am] |
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honestly part of me wants to move. i want to move to NY where all i focus on is my career. there are so many distractions. theres so much going on. the other night...raised so much chaos/confusion, but why? i wish that people would stop lying. i wish i could trust someone. anyone. i wish that people meant the things they said. im having a hard time letting her go. i will admit that. part of me knows i still love and miss her. ive kept a lot to myself. right now i just dont know. i feel like i just need to step away from everyone. i havent been to sleep yet. i need to go. |
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